Vegetable Envy, by Lbilover

Originally written for the 2103 B2MeM Bingo Prompt 'Food: Vegetables'.

It was entirely Sam's fault that Frodo developed vegetable envy. He spent so many months watching Sam planting and tending and picking potatoes and cabbages and cucumbers and squash and beets, not to mention parsley and onions and sprouts and lettuces, and wishing he received half the attention they did from those capable, shapely hands, that his jealousy was inevitable and (possibly) understandable.

Oh, thought Frodo in despair, let Sam but whisper sweet nothings to him as he did to the spinach seedlings as he patted the soil about their roots! Let him but run his hands up and down Frodo as he did the carrots after he pulled them from the ground! Let him but tenderly cradle Frodo's rump as he did the turnips when he carried them in from the garden!

To be harvested by Samwise Gamgee became Frodo's greatest ambition, until at last, one summer day, he snapped like a sugar pea pod. Removing all his clothes, Frodo laid himself down in the dirt and did his best vegetable impression.

'Mr. Frodo,' gasped Sam when he came upon Frodo spread-eagled naked among the rutabagas.

'Radish me, Samwise,' declared Frodo dramatically.

Later, Sam confessed that he'd sometimes daydreamed of discovering Frodo naked in the garden, but he'd rather thought it would be in the roses or the peonies. 'Not that I'm complaining, mind,' he hastened to add. 'Though I doubt I'll ever look an asparagus in the eye again without blushing.'


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