The Time Traveller's Ring by Lbilover

A bit of uber silliness written for the 2012 B2MeM Bingo Prompts 'Crackfic: Time Travel' and 'Relationships: Same Sex'.

Bilbo let Frodo in on the secret when he decided to retire to Rivendell and finish his book.

'It's a time travelling ring, Frodo,' Bilbo said. 'You put it on and hey presto! disappear to who-knows-where.' He sighed. 'The only drawback is that you don't ever go to the same place twice. There was this widow in Surrey... but that's neither here nor there.'

Frodo's eyes opened wide. 'Do you mean to say that this ring lets you travel through time?'

'Exactly so. My dear boy, how do you think chocolate came to the Shire? I discovered it at a sweet shop in Bruges. And cappuccino, although it simply isn't the same without a good electric machine.' Bilbo sighed again.

'Bruges? Electric machine?' Frodo was all at sea.

'Never mind.' Bilbo patted his nephew's hand. 'You'll find out for yourself.'

'But Bilbo, I'm not certain I want to go travelling through time. It sounds terribly risky, and there's Sam to think of,' said Frodo.

'It will seem like no time at all to Samwise,' Bilbo reassured him. 'Why, I once spent an entire month at a spa in Arizona and you thought I'd just stepped into the root cellar to fetch a turnip.' He smiled reminiscently. 'The foot massages, Frodo! The facials!'

'Well, I don't know...'

'What is Sam's favourite cooking appliance?'

'The waffle iron you gave him last Yule,' answered Frodo promptly. 'But I thought that came from Dale.'

Bilbo touched the side of his nose. 'When in doubt, always say it came from Dale. No one will question you. But I got it at a Tesco's in Bloomsbury, as a matter of fact. That time, I landed smack dab in the reading room at the British Library, don't you know. I never thought I'd see a library to outdo Elrond's, although of course they are woefully lacking in Elvish manuscripts. I put a note in their suggestion box pointing out the deficiency. But it's a cracking place if you like Jane Austen. I was tempted to steal a first edition of Pride and Prejudice, but I fear my burglaring days are over.'

'Jane Who?'

'Never mind,' said Bilbo again. 'The important thing is, Frodo, that the ring is yours now, and I want you to have fun with it.'

'Surely it's dangerous, too,' objected Frodo. 'You can't always end up in Aridzone at a whatever-you-called it having someone rub your feet.'

'True, but if you do land in the middle of, say, the running of the bulls in Pamplona, all you have to do is slip the ring back on, and hey presto! you're home again.'

'Hmm. Well, I shall have to discuss it with Sam.'

'You do that, Frodo-lad, but be sure to mention the waffle iron. And the chocolate-dipped strawberries. Oh, and the toilet paper.'

'But I thought you said that came from Rivendell.'

Bilbo touched the side of his nose again. 'Available most places you'll visit, in the 20th century or later, that is. I always bring at least a dozen rolls home with me if I can.'

'Toilet paper,' said Frodo wistfully. 'I must confess I shouldn't mind to travel to a time when they invented toilet paper.'

Bilbo beamed and handed over the ring.


Frodo did discuss it with Sam, who was dubious at first, but started to crack at the mention of the waffle iron, cracked further when Frodo brought up the chocolate-covered strawberries, and completely cracked at the magic phrase 'toilet paper'.

'We don't want to run out of that,' Sam observed practically. 'The Hobbiton Gazette simply ain't the same.'

So one morning, with great trepidation, Frodo put on the ring and disappeared. When he reappeared, he was holding several bulging carry-alls, including one crammed with rolls of Charmin, and wearing a dazed expression.

'Oh Sam,' he uttered faintly. 'Oh Sam!'

'Is everything all right?' Sam asked anxiously.

'All right? Do you know where I've been for the past three days?'

'Three days!' exclaimed Sam. 'You've only been gone for five minutes according to the clock.'

'But in San Francisco it was three days.'

'San where?'

'San Francisco. It's in California.'


'Never mind, Sam dear. I'll fill you in on it all later.' Frodo set down the carrier bags and began rummaging in one. 'Take a look at this.' He drew out an object and held it up.

Sam went scarlet. 'Frodo, is that a purple penis?' he gasped.

'Yes, and look: it vibrates!' Frodo pushed a button and the purple penis began to shake. 'They're called sex toys, Sam, and if you can believe it, there are entire stores filled with different kinds! I bought as many as I could afford. Plus extra batteries. It's a very good thing Bilbo gave me his ATM card.'

Sam heard none of this, being too busy staring at the vibrating purple penis.

'But I don't want to waste the batteries,' said Frodo, and turned it off. Then he grabbed Sam's hand and dragged him to their bedroom, where they had such a delightful time with the vibrating purple penis that it was added to Sam's list of favourites, along with waffle irons, chocolate-covered strawberries and toilet paper.

That was the first of numerous trips that Frodo took through time over the coming months. He never returned empty-handed, or toilet paper-less (if he could help it), and introduced to the Shire, in the name of 'Dale' or 'Rivendell', such useful items as champagne openers, staplers, polar fleece, and bungie cords.

But it didn't seem fair that Sam should be left out of the fun, and so one day Frodo proposed an experiment. He held tight to Sam's hand as he slipped on the ring, and hey presto! (as Bilbo might have said) the two hobbits found themselves inside a Brooklyn deli, where Sam ate a bagel for the very first time. So impressed was he that, before leaving New York, where they enjoyed a most delightful long weekend, he purchased not one but two bagel cookery books.

And a dozen rolls of toilet paper, of course.