The One Rings's Diary by Lbilover

Totally based on movie verse, and pretty much covers about the first half-hour of Fellowship, at that. With apologies to Helen Fielding whose ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ was the, um, inspiration for this madness. I sincerely hope she never reads this. Originally written for the Hobbit_Smut community 'Ash Nazg' challenge.


Second Age, Year 1

Day 1

Woke up v. excited at being One Ring, most perfect of all Sauron’s creations, ‘til discovered Elven rings have sparkly jewels whilst am plain gold without adornment. Don’t understand how S. could make such mistake, to be honest.

Am v. disappointed, but will ask S. for sparkly jewel. Surely will say yes.

Second Age, Year 3441

Day 1

Number times asked Sauron for sparkly jewel: 4389387 (approx)
Number sparkly jewels: 0 (v.v. bad)
Number Elves smited in battle: 28 (good)
Number Scruffy Nύmenórians smited in battle: 153 (v.v. good)

V. much excitement today at Barad-dûr over big battle with Men and Elves. Makes up somewhat for S. being so mean on topic of sparkly jewel. Elves v. shiny, though. Am not quite sure enjoy smiting them, especially Gil-galad, who is v. hot. (Secretly wonder if S. fancies and smited out of pique.)

Scruffy Nύmenórians on other hand no great loss. Don’t they ever shave? Or bathe? Ha, ha, take that Elendil! No one can stand against the might of…

Whoa. Broken sword surprisingly sharp. Oh well, bye-bye, S. Perhaps tragedy avoided if you’d given me sparkly jewel like asked. Besides, told you dozen times that spiky black gloves are so last age.

On bright side, maybe shiny Elf Elrond will take me and give me nice sparkly jewel like Vilya has.

Bollocks. Scruffy Nύmenórian Isildur got there first.

Third Age, Year 1

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels: 0
Number times imagined Isildur washed and shaven: 41 (approx)

7:00 a.m.

I. says am to be ‘heirloom of his house’. shudder Passed down through long line of greasy-haired, unshaven, unwashed Men? Hung on tawdry chain about neck? Must definitely find way to ditch I.

10:00 a.m.

Ooooh, orc attack. In v. clever move, slipped off I.’s finger in water. I. turned into Nύmenórian pin cushion. Go me!

Must now wait for someone to find me.

1:00 p.m.

Still waiting.

11:00 p.m.

Still waiting. V. large pike eyed me in suspicious manner, but swam away.

Third Age, Year 500

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0

Still waiting.

Hmm. Possibly slipping off I.’s finger not best idea ever had. V. little decent company at bottom of river. Now understand why called ‘carp’. Do look like care if pike pick on them? Have at them pike, say I!

Will take nap now. Nighty night. Perhaps will wake up with nice sparkly jewel on hand of hot Elf like Gil-galad (only not dead, of course).

Third Age, Year 1000

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0

Still waiting.


Third Age, Year 1500

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0

Still waiting.

Scruffy Nύmenórians not so bad after all, come to think of it.

Third Age, Year 1800

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0

Still waiting.

twiddles thumbs (Well, would if had them.) V. bored. Had moment of panic earlier when thought found spot of tarnish. False alarm, thankfully.

Third Age, Year 2000

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0

Still waiting.

Must get out of here. Found passing crayfish disturbingly attractive, and almost asked for date. Please someone, anyone, rescue me. Please? Can promise world domination and perpetual youth. Even if am not encrusted with jewels, like certain rings could mention. Not that have brooded on fact for past 5000 years or anything. sulks

Third Age, Year 2463

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0 (v. bad)

But, no longer waiting. (v. good)

6:30 a.m.

Pike delivered strange little fishing creature to rescue me from river! Love lovely pike!! Am found!! At last!!! does happy dance (Well, would if had feet.)

7:30 a.m.

Hmm. Seem to have v. queer effect on people. And don’t mean that kind of queer effect, though at first thought strange little fishing creatures fancied each other. But no, argued over me instead, and one strangled other. Kept claiming was his ‘birthday present’. V. odd as pike don’t give birthday presents. But then, his name is Sméagol. Enough to drive anyone mad, that.

Day 20

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished Sméagol eaten by pike: 17 (at least)

Am rethinking offer of world domination and perpetual youth. Sméagol has given me new name: Precious. Also, keeps stroking me in v. creepy manner. shudders Still, played some v. amusing tricks on relatives whilst S. invisible.

Day 30

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished Sméagol/Gollum eaten by pike: 12265 (approx)

V. bad day. Am not only one with new name: Sméagol now called Gollum. V. depressing to think that I, most perfect of all creations in Middle-earth (even though sadly lacking in the sparkly jewel department), the One Ring to rule them all, etc., etc., am in possession of creature called Gollum who makes peculiar hawking sounds in throat and calls me his precious.

Would kill self if only had knife. (Well, and hands and body, of course.)

Day 60

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0 (but hopeful)
Number times wished Sméagol/Gollum eaten by pike: only 6

V. amusing tricks not v. amusing to relatives. We’re off. G. says many wonderful things to be found under mountains. Like sparkly jewels? V. excited!

Day 90

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0 (v.v. bad)
Number times wished Gollum eaten by pike: too many to count

Under mountain. V. dark. V. boring. Not one wonderful thing to be found unless one finds fish bones wonderful. At least can’t see G. squishing raw wriggly fish through what remain of his teeth. Only hear him. And thought Sauron had bad table manners.

Third Age, Year 2600

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished Gollum would choke on fish bone: too many to count

Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. All G. talks about. Am v. depressed. Carp have more interesting conversation.

Third Age, Year 2650

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished Gollum would choke on fish bone: too many to count

Feeling v. nostalgic today. Crayfish v. nice really, whilst scruffy Nύmenórians clearly god-like beings. Ought never to have left I., what it comes down to.

Third Age, Year 2700

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished Gollum drown in underground pool: 285937 (approx.)

Ha, ha. Had v. bizarre dream last night that was living in dank cave under mountain with fish-obsessed weirdo who called me Precious. Good thing was just a-

My precioussssss


Third Age, Year 2941

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wished had lips so could kiss Bilbo Baggins: infinite

Love lovely Bilbo Baggins. Rescued me from G. Will definitely offer world domination and perpetual youth. Hmm, only hope B. doesn’t like fish. On other hand (well, if had hand that is), what’s point of being One Ring and all powerful if can’t convince B. not to eat fish? Must ponder matter.

Third Age, Year 2942

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times wondered why hobbit holes have round windows and doors: 37 (approx)

Have v. nice new home among amusingly rustic little people called hobbits. Not sure what’s with hairy feet, though. V. unattractive. Still, considering spent last 6000 years or so at bottom of river or in dank fishy cave under mountain with Gollum, can’t be too critical.

Day 263

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0 (but hopeful)
Number times found self humming ‘The Road Goes Ever On’: 64 (approx)

New master Bilbo v. good to me. Takes me everywhere with him. Can tell is v. attached to me. beams (Well, much as can beam without sparkly jewel. sulks). Speaking of which, no sign of sparkly jewel yet, but am v. hopeful as hobbits appear to like bright colours.

Offered B. world domination, but seems uninterested. Hmm. Hobbits v. stubborn creatures, have discovered.

Also, don’t wish to seem like am complaining, but B. writes poetry. And songs. Only blight on otherwise v. pleasant life.

Third Age, Year 2973

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels and/or hot Elves: 0
Number times saw Lobelia Sackville-Baggins’s flowered bloomers: 1 (possibly one time too many)

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began
But close at hand the S-Bs roam
And I must trip them if I can
With Ring on finger and foot outstretched
Until Lobelia slips and shrieks
Who will be next? I cannot say.

Bollocks. Am writing v. bad poetry. Blame B. entirely. Still, v. amusing morning, though B. peculiarly resistant to influence. Offer world domination on regular basis yet always turns down. V. odd. If had relations like S-Bs, which thankfully do not, as S. never married (still suspect S. madly in love with Gil-galad, though of course could not have had children together even if married him), wouldn’t hesitate if was offered to me. Seems must be content with minor pranks instead of smiting enemies, at which am sadly out of practice anyway.

Third Age, Year 2984

Day 1

Number sparkly jewels: 0
Number hot Elves: 0, but no longer care
Number times said name ‘Frodo’: 3995028 (approx)

Am in love. His name is Frodo. And has come to live at Bag End as B.’s heir. Be still my beating heart (Well, if had beating heart to still. Wait, perhaps do have beating heart to still, as am in love. Can one love without beating heart? Hmm. V. puzzling. Must ponder matter.)

Frodo. FROdo. FroDO. Frooooodo. Frodooooooo.

Is not most beautiful name ever? At last have found master worthy of self (even if self is still completely lacking in sparkly jewel department). Frodo is v. hot. V. v. hot. Hotter than Gil-galad and Elrond combined. Hotter than every Nύmenórian who ever lived combined.

Frodo has v.v.v.v.v.v.v. large blue eyes. And flawless complexion. And straight nose. And cute little gap between front teeth. And dusky curls. And figure slender as willow wand.

Is perfect, really. Even foot hair looks good on him, which previously thought impossible.

Hmm. Just realised is one v. giant problem, however: B. still my master. Must ponder matter.

Third Age, Year 3017

Day 1

Number sparkly sapphires: 0
Number times tried to think of word that rhymes with Frodo: 2967 (approx)

At last! Have finally convinced B. to depart Shire forever and leave me to Frodo. wipes brow (Well, would if- oh, sod it.)

B. most stubborn hobbit ever lived, in my opinion, and far too attached to me. Will do him good to let me go, if ask me. Becoming v. codependent.

Find am v. tempted to compose sonnets to Frodo’s eyes. Possibly not good idea based on previous poetry attempts. B. v. bad influence on me. Also, impossible to find word rhymes with Frodo.

Have decided sparkly sapphire is only jewel will settle for now as will bring out colour of Frodo’s eyes.

Day 200

Number sparkly sapphires: 0
Number times wished Samwise Gamgee eaten by pike: 7365 (approx)

Frodo. Frodo. Frodo. Frodo.

Am v. excited!!! V. big Birthday Party planned for September 22, when Frodo will become new master. beams Soon will be mine, my own, my Precious… Hmm. Perhaps will think of different pet name for him. ‘Precious’ has v. bad fish associations.

Would in fact be completely happy, save for presence of sweaty, dirty gardener hobbit named Sam. Don’t like way he looks at Frodo at all. Or, come to think of it, way Frodo looks at him. Am v. suspicious. Must ponder matter.

Day 268- September 22!

Number sparkly sapphires: 0 (pity as will be attending Party)
Number times wished Gandalf and Sam Gamgee eaten by pike: infinite

6:30 a.m.

Awoke v. early. Too excited to sleep. Today is the Birthday Party! Bilbo still sleeping, though.

7:00 a.m.

Hello?? Bilbo?? Wake up.

7:30 a.m.

B. still sleeping. Am growing v. annoyed. Hoped to be on Frodo’s finger by now and B. and his poetry off to Rivendell.

8:00 a.m.

B. up at last. But seems party not til tonight. Am v. disappointed. Also, am v. sure caught glimpse of sweaty, dirty gardener Sam sneaking out of Frodo’s bedroom. Day not off to good start. sulks

6:30 p.m.

Party time, and not moment too soon. Scruffy old wizard Gandalf (whom suspect must be part Nύmenórian) arrived this afternoon. Don’t trust one jot. Am sure suspects am in love with Frodo and means to separate us. Probably wants Frodo for himself, the lecher, like sweaty, dirty gardener Sam.

9:00 p.m.

B. used me to play v. funny joke on hobbits at Party. Ha, ha. Enjoyed startled looks on faces v. much. Must say, will be v. sad to see last of B., now moment has come. V. amusing sense of humour. But still… Frodo. Looked v.v. gorgeous tonight in pale blue satin waistcoat. Lacked only golden ring with sparkly sapphire to set off eyes, in my opinion.

Am v. sure caught glimpse of him and sweaty, dirty gardener Sam sneaking behind tent earlier, however. Being eaten by pike may not be sufficient punishment for gardener. Must ponder matter.

10:00 p.m.

Was right. B. growing scarily codependent. V. frightening moment when thought B. meant to change mind and take me with him to Rivendell. Not that am not fond of B. of course, as v. good master (except for sad addiction to poetry). But- Frodo.

Fortunately Gandalf went all wizardly in v. impressive (and strangely hot) fashion and convinced B. to drop me on floor and leave. Almost felt grateful to Gandalf for moment. If didn’t suspect only wants B. to leave so can have Frodo to himself. Lecher.

10:03 p.m.

Whoa. V. odd experience just now when Gandalf bent down to touch me. Threw hissy fit and told him to bugger off as belong to Frodo now, and for flash saw giant flaming red eye. Not sure, but think might have been Sauron. Hmm. Thought S. was dead. V. peculiar.

10:15 p.m.


I feel pretty, oh so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity any Ring that isn’t me tonight

10:22 p.m.


Don’t believe it. Am sitting in envelope at bottom of trunk.

Hate Mr. ‘Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe’ Gandalf. Hope beard falls out in sleep. Though, might be improvement, come to think of it.

Third Age, Year 3018

Day 100

Number sparkly sapphires: 0
Number times thought heard Frodo and Sam shagging: don’t want to think about
Number times told Sauron to bugger off: 8475 (approx)

Am v. depressed. Still sitting in envelope at bottom of trunk. Am sure Frodo never gives me moment’s thought. Too busy shagging sweaty, dirty gardener Sam, no doubt.

Hate Sam.

Also, keep hearing S.’s voice in sleep, and seeing giant flaming red eye. Says wants me to return to Barad-dûr and help him conquer Middle-earth. S. clearly delusional, especially if thinks forgot attitude about sparkly jewel. Also, where was he whilst sat at bottom of river and in dank fishy cave for 3000 years? Well? Besides- Frodo. Giant flaming red eye no competition for eyes like sparkly sapphires whatever S. might think.

Day 205

Number sparkly sapphires: 0
Number times wished Gandalf’s beard fall out: 674 (approx)

9:00 p.m.

Feeling v. put upon. Gandalf turned up unexpectedly this evening. At first was v. ecstatic because Frodo removed me from trunk but no sooner was out of trunk when Gandalf threw me in fire! V. rude behaviour if ask me as didn’t ask if minded. Refused to melt even the tiniest bit, so there.

V. happy moment, though, when Frodo held in fingers and turned over and over. Mmmmm…. Almost did melt then. Did notice, however, that Frodo needs manicure v. badly. Surely is nail salon in Hobbiton? Must look into.

But v. happy moment v. short-lived. Suddenly felt itchy and broke out in strange rash all over self, probably from ashes in fire. Fortunately gone now but am v. indignant. Gandalf trying to turn Frodo against me, claiming that as am One Ring am trying to return to S., when have repeatedly told S. to bugger off. V. hurt by scurrilous lies. True, did once smite Elves and scruffy Nύmenórians but was 6000 years ago. Seems v. wrong to hold against me now. Am sure is only plot by Gandalf to get Frodo for himself. Lecher.

Still, am out of trunk and in Frodo’s pocket, which is improvement.

Day 206

Number sparkly sapphires: 0 (but hopeful)
Number times saved world from second darkness: 1
Number times saved Frodo’s perfect complexion from ruin: 1

9:30 a.m.

Am speechless with indignation. No sooner wake up than hear Gandalf telling Frodo more scurrilous lies about me. Am positive now wants Frodo for self. Ha! Think sweaty, dirty gardener Sam will have something to say to that, if what heard in bedroom last night any indication.

10:00 a.m.

Realise now is worse than thought. Gandalf clearly insane. Says Frodo must leave Shire at once and that may be in danger. That must stay off road and go across country to Bree. Across country? To Bree? Does have any idea what havoc journey will wreak on Frodo’s perfect complexion? Not to mention situation with nails which is dire enough.

Clearly must do something before too late. Not enough to tell S. to bugger off, not if to save world from second darkness and Frodo from ruined complexion. Not to mention self being thrown back in Crack of Doom before ever had chance to have sparkly jewel of own.

V. drastic measures necessary.

Only one thing left to do.

Day 218

Number sparkly sapphires: 1 (v.v.v.v.v. good)
Number times felt bad for wishing Sam eaten by pike when clearly hobbit of discrimination and taste: 4839 (approx)

Am v.v. happy, though cost pang to transform self into costume jewelry and cast off power, destroying S. forever in process. Still, doubt Frodo interested in world domination anyway, and is v. nice to be worn without being invisible. Frodo far too beautiful to walk around unseen, if ask me. So am I, now that am back from jeweler and have v. lovely sparkly sapphire exact shade of Frodo’s eyes. And was all Sam’s idea if can believe it. Had no idea sweaty, dirty gardeners had such good taste.

Love lovely Sam. Don’t even mind now that he and Frodo shag like rabbits.

Hmm. Wonder if Gandalf’s beard growing back. (Well, had to make one last parting shot before saving world.)


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