The Movie Consultants by Lbilover

Because it really pissed me off that PJ and Co. took Sam's lines from this scene in 'Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit' away from him and gave them to Faramir:

Then suddenly straight over the rim of their sheltering bank, a man fell, crashing through the slender trees, nearly on top of them. He came to a rest in the fern a few feet away, face downward, green arrow-feathers sticking from his neck below a golden collar. His scarlet robes were tattered, his corslet of overlapping brazen plates was rent and hewn, his black plaits of hair braided with gold were drenched with blood. His brown hand still clutched the hilt of a broken sword.

It was Sam's first view of a battle of Men against Men, and he did not like it much. He was glad that he could not see the dead face. He wondered what the man's name was and where he came from; and if he was really evil of heart, or what lies or threats had led him on the long march from his home; and if he would not really rather have stayed there in peace - all in a flash of thought which was quickly driven from his mind.


Caution: if you love the movie scripts, you'll probably want to skip this :)


“Begging your pardon, Mr. Jackson,” came a polite voice from behind him, “but I was hoping I might have a word with you- if you’d not be too busy, that is.”

Peter cringed inside. Oh no, he thought while he plastered a welcoming smile on his face and turned to face the speaker. “Not at all, Sam. What can I do for you?”

The small grey-cloaked hobbit in front of him wore a familiar determined expression, and held a stack of papers between his capable hands. Papers that Peter immediately recognised, for they were pages of dialogue that he and Fran and Philippa had distributed earlier in the morning to the various actors who would be filming scenes that day.

I thought I gave instructions for those script pages to be kept out of Sam's hands, he thought grimly, remembering what had happened last time...

“Well, sir,” said Sam Gamgee, shuffling through the pages until he found the one he sought. “It’s this scene here, the one where Captain Faramir captures me and Mr. Frodo. In the book I'm the one who sees the dead Haradrim and wonders if he was evil of heart or if he wouldn’t rather have stayed home in peace. But in this scene you’ve wrote, you’ve went and given my thoughts away.” He fixed Peter with a stern look. “Again.”

“Now, Sam…” Peter began, pushing his glasses up his nose and girding his loins (figuratively speaking) for battle. “We’ve discussed this before…”

“And I’ll say what I said then: if the Professor wanted someone else to use my thoughts and words, I reckon he’d have given ‘em to him. Why, this scene is important to the growth of my character, Mr. Jackson. If I’m to become Mayor of the Shire for seven terms and then follow Mr. Frodo over Sea, folk had best understand why.”

“But, Sam…” Peter interjected without success.

“Then there’s this bit here,” Sam went on, pulling out another page, “where the Captain and his Men are supposed to rough up poor old Gollum. That simply don’t make sense, for one thing, and for another, how can I tell Faramir that his quality is of the highest if he’s acting the low down bully?”

Sam’s colour was high and he was becoming agitated. “But I'm afraid that ain't even the worst of it, sir." He did some more shuffling of pages. "It's that speech you have me spout off near the end of the movie. Begging your pardon, Mr. Jackson, but I ain’t never read such pompous claptrap in my life. Why, if my old dad heard me talk like that, he’d wash my mouth out with soap.”

Peter knew it was a very bad sign when Sam brought up ‘his old dad’. He threw a panicked look in the direction of his wife, but Fran was having difficulties of her own. The Ring-bearer stood before her, gesticulating wildly, and Peter heard the words, "send Sam away?” and “Shelob’s Lair alone?” and “holding hands."

There’d be no help from that quarter, he realised. Perhaps Philippa… But no, she was backed into a corner by Merry and Pippin, and it was evident that they were giving her an earful, too. “But- but the Ents said yes!” he heard Merry exclaim in horror. “Treebeard would never…”

“…and what’s this rumour that me and Frodo heard that in the next movie you’re planning on having him send me away and believe the lies that villain Gollum tells him…”

Sam was on a roll. It was going to be another long day. Another very long day.

Peter closed his eyes briefly and wondered, not for the first time, why he had ever thought it would be a brilliant idea to hire the four hobbits as movie consultants. But then again, it could be worse: at least these consultants didn't carry an axe or a bow.

~end~