Originally written as a wish fulfillment for OTP Summer Dreams Month at Tol Eressëa. The wish was for a ridiculous situation. Inspired by Elijah's appearance as a guest on Conan's show where he talked about a persistent home invasion dream he has and how he imagines he'd employ a vacuum cleaner wand to take out an intruder. Who could resist such a plot bunny? Not me!
Elijah took off his glasses, laid them on the nightstand next to his phone, and turned off the bedside lamp. He slid down under the comforter and wriggled around until he was comfortable - or as comfortable as he could get without Sean in bed with him. It sucked, sleeping alone, especially when his partner was a warm teddy bear of a guy who might have been created for the sole purpose of providing Elijah with someone to snuggle against at night.
But Sean was out of town, and Elijah was going to have to make do for another night. Hugging a plump down pillow to him, he tried to pretend it was Sean, and closed his eyes. He'd had a tiring day on set filming Wilfred and it wasn't long before he was drifting in the netherworld between sleep and wakefulness. On the verge of falling fully asleep, he suddenly jolted fully awake, his heart racing.
Shit. Another home invasion dream - imagining he'd heard a strange noise caused by an intruder in the house. He really needed to get over them, but whenever Sean was away, it was pretty well guaranteed that he'd have at least one. He never told Sean about them, not wanting to worry his partner any more than he normally was - and that was a significant amount of worry, dating back to the Safety Hobbit days in New Zealand.
Go back to sleep, it was just a dream, Elijah told himself, and closed his eyes again. They flew open a second later when he heard another strange noise, but for sure it wasn't his imagination this time.
Oh fuck. Was it possible there really was an intruder in the house?
Elijah pushed back the comforter and got up. His first impulse was to call Sean, but he squashed it. Nothing like freaking out your safety obsessed partner on the other side of the country. That would be a brilliant move. Or he could dial 911, but what if the noises turned out to be caused by something totally benign - like a mouse or whatever. He'd look like an idiot, and get himself unnecessarily and embarrassingly into the news.
He put on his glasses, picked up the phone and tucked it into the waistband of his shorts. Although his mind told him the odds of a home invasion actually occurring were remote, adrenaline was pumping frantically through his body. It didn't believe for a second that the noises had been made by a mouse.
I need a weapon, Elijah thought. He and Sean weren't the gun or baseball bat toting types, so they had no weapons on hand. What the fuck could he use?
Moving stealthily, he crept across the bedroom, and nearly tripped over the vacuum cleaner, parked just inside the door. Bingo! Blessing the desultory nature of his house cleaning, which had resulted in him abandoning the vacuuming of the bedroom for another day, he crouched and detached the plastic wand from the hose. As weapons went, it wasn't much. Kind of wimpy, as a matter of fact. But it might work to knock a gun or knife from an intruder's hand, or at least he could give them an almighty whack to the head or knee or something. Momentarily stun them so he could secure their weapon and call the police.
Hefting the wand in his hands, and repressing an insane desire to giggle, Elijah cautiously peered out the door, looking to left and right down the dark hallway. As he hesitated, Elijah heard yet another sound. No need for Gandalf to tell him in which direction Mordor lay. He turned right, his footsteps muffled by the carpet, but his heart pounding so loudly that he was afraid the entire neighborhood could hear it.
The entrance to the living room was ahead on the left. The sound had definitely come from inside there. Elijah convulsively gripped the smooth gray plastic with his damp palms, and as he moved step by cautious step toward the doorway, he prayed that he wouldn't drop the wand and fall on his ass like Frodo when confronted by the intruder. Or shriek like a girl.
You can do this, he told himself.
And on the thought, someone stepped into the hall. Appearing large and ominous as a Black Rider, he loomed in front of Elijah.
Elijah did in fact let out a very girly shriek, but he didn't drop the wand or fall on his ass. Instead, he swung the plastic tube at the shadowy figure with all his might. It connected with a solid thud.
"Fuck! FUCK!" the intruder shrieked, nearly as loudly as Elijah had. "Elijah, what the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Shit, shit, that hurt!"
Elijah stood there like a pillar of salt as the truth sank it. It was no intruder; it was Sean, who was now hopping up and down on his left leg while he clutched at his right shin.
"Oh no," Elijah moaned in dismay. "Oh shit. Oh fuck. What have I done?" He dropped the wand as if it were on fire and fumbled for the nearest light switch. "Oh Sean, I'm so sorry. I thought you were an intruder."
The hallway light came on, revealing his partner's handsome face screwed up in agony and a bright red lump, midway between his ankle and knee, that was rapidly and visibly swelling.
"Oh no," Elijah moaned again, taking in the sight with horror. He ran to Sean and put an arm around his waist. "Hang onto me," he said. "Let's go in the kitchen - we need to put some ice on that right away."
"Ow, ow, ow," Sean kept exclaiming as he hobbled along beside Elijah. Every 'ow' was like a stab to Elijah's heart.
Feeling like the world's biggest criminal, Elijah helped Sean into a chair at the kitchen table and propped his injured leg on another chair.
"Jesus, what the fuck did you hit me with?" Sean asked, eyeing the now golf ball sized lump on his shin. "And why didn't I wear jeans today instead of shorts?"
"The wand from the vacuum cleaner. It was the only thing I could think of to use as a weapon. Oh Sean, I'm so sorry," Elijah said again remorsefully as he hurried to the refrigerator and removed a bag of frozen peas from the freezer. He shook the plastic bag to loosen the clumps and then took the dish towel hanging by the sink and wrapped it around the peas. "I heard strange noises, and I thought someone had broken into the house." Biting his lip, he crouched beside Sean's leg and carefully draped the peas over the livid swelling.
"Fuck," Sean exclaimed. "That hurts like fuck-all."
"Do you think anything is broken?" Elijah asked worriedly. "I hit you as hard as I could."
"Tell me about it." Sean wiggled his foot and winced, but said, "I don't think you did any serious damage, hitting me in that particular spot. Good thing you didn't hit me in the knee, though. Or the head."
"Oh god," Elijah moaned. "I am such an asshole. But when you stepped into the hall, I didn't think, I just swung. I was absolutely convinced you were an intruder, and probably armed."
"To be honest, that was pretty brave of you, Elwood, confronting what you thought was an armed intruder with just a plastic vacuum cleaner wand." Sean huffed a laugh. "And pretty damned effective, too."
"Seriously?" It was minimal consolation, but Elijah was ready to grab at any straw.
"Seriously. If I had been an intruder carrying a weapon, I'd have dropped it for sure."
"But you weren't, and I hurt you."
"Nah, it's only a bump. It's already hurting a lot less."
"You're just being nice, Sean."
Sean made an 'x' on his chest and held up two fingers. "Cross my heart. Anyway, I'm largely to blame, sneaking into the house like that. But it never occurred to me that you'd mistake me for an intruder. I guess I should have let you know that we wrapped early, but I wanted to surprise you."
"You did that, all right," Elijah said with a sigh. "And I sure as fuck surprised you."
"Elijah, come here, will you?" Sean asked, holding out his arms. Elijah got up, and slid onto Sean's lap and into a tight embrace. "That's more like it," he said. "And if you feel inclined to wriggle around, please do. I guarantee it'll help distract me from the pain."
At that, Elijah giggled. "I see your one-track mind is still intact."
"As are other things, if you get my drift. I'm very relieved you didn't aim at my crotch."
"Are all intruders so eager to get it on with their attackers?" Elijah joked, and felt the rumble of laughter deep in Sean's chest. He supposed Sean couldn't be too badly hurt if he was already joking and laughing about what happened, not to mention bringing up his favorite topic. A weight dropped off Elijah then, as if he'd thrown away the damned ring. He never would have forgiven himself if he'd seriously hurt Sean.
"I can't say if all intruders are, but this one sure is. Trust me, there's no bigger turn-on than a guy wielding a giant wand."
"I thought wielding a giant wand was your specialty." Then Elijah cupped Sean's face between his palms and kissed him, hard. He drew back and said seriously, "Thank you for being such a good sport about it, Sean."
"What's a little whack in the shins between friends? And we can add this to the list of crazy stories to tell our grandkids someday: the night you mistook me for a burglar and took me out with a vacuum cleaner wand. Well," he added, moving his hands to Elijah's ass and starting to knead, "maybe we won't share the entire story. All this talk about giant wands is reminding me of what I had planned as a surprise for you when I got home."
"Sean, are you sure you're up for this?"
"What do you think?"
Sean went on to prove definitively that he was up for it, and Elijah knew that if he ever had another home invasion dream, it was going to play out very, very differently.