Grandma Discovers Slash by Lbilover

Originally written in 2005, and based on a Googlism search that yielded: Bag End is the shit. Well, only one voice could possibly be saying that line, so here it is: Stephanie Plum, Lula and Grandma Mazur, watching The Fellowship of the Ring. (And if you don't know who they are, run, don't walk, to the nearest library and check out One for the Money by Janet Evanovich.)

“Bag End is the shit,” said Lula.

“Fuckin’ A,” I agreed, burping discreetly and popping the top button on my jeans. Pizza, beer, ice cream and a good movie filled with hot actors. Who needed Morelli or Ranger, anyway?

“Do you think Frodo and Sam are doin’ it?” Lula asked a few minutes later.

“What?!” I squawked, sitting up. I could see Grandma Mazur’s eyes that had been drooping shut suddenly fly open behind her bifocals.

“I bet they’d be real cute together,” Lula enthused. “You can tell they’ve got the hots for each other, just looking at them.”

We all stared, riveted, at the TV screen, filled with dancing, laughing hobbits.

“And mm-mm, that Sam’s got one mighty fine ass. I bet Mr. Frodo loves to put his hands on that fine ass.”

“Ew,” I protested feebly, but Lula wasn’t fooled. She gave me a knowing look.

“There’s drool running down your chin, Stephanie,” she pointed out.

“No there isn’t,” I said defensively, wiping my chin with my sleeve.

“Yep, I’m gonna find me some hobbit porn on the Internet when I get home,” Lula continued.

“Hobbit porn?” Grandma Mazur asked, rolling her uppers in fascination. There was drool running down her chin, too, I noticed.

“Yeah, you know, slash. Two little guys with hairy feet, gettin’ it on,” Lula explained.

“Wow, homosexual hobbits,” said Grandma. “I never thought of that. I want to read some of that hobbit porn, too.”

I bit my lip, hard. No way was I telling Grandma about West of the Moon or the Library of Moria.

“Oh boy, when I get home, I’m going to ask your father to help me find it on the Internet, Stephanie. He’s good with the computer.”

I gave Lula my best death glare.

“Uh oh,” she said.