The Fellowship of the Ring Screenplay (DR, WS Version**) by Lbilover

Warning: Very irreverent! Not for movie purists!


Wide on: horse and cart pulling up outside the gate to BAG END...a particularly fine example of a Hobbit hole, with a large round front door set into a grassy hillside. There is a sign on the gate that reads: "NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON PARTY BUSINESS." Cut to: GANDALF THE GREY, a tall wizard in grey robes and a blue hat, striding up the garden path of Bag End. He raises his staff and raps on the front door...


Camera pans into untidy Bag End study, where BILBO BAGGINS, a Hobbit of indeterminate age, is sitting at a desk. Close on: Bilbo, who is absorbed in writing in a large red leather-bound diary when a sharp knock comes at the door. Bilbo keeps writing. Another sharp knock comes at the door. Bilbo sighs.

BILBO (muttering): "Sticklebacks! Where is that boy?" (raising his voice): "Frodo!"

There is no response, but another even louder knock is heard. Angle on: Bilbo as he sets down his quill pen with another sigh and gets up from the desk. Camera pans after Bilbo as he stalks to the front door.

BILBO (testily through the door): "No, thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, or distant relations."

GANDALF (OS): "And what about very old friends?"

BILBO (joyfully, reaching for door knob): "My dear Gandalf! My apologies! I thought you were one of my confounded relations!"

GANDALF (OS): "Then you are forgiven, dear Bilbo."

Angle on: Bilbo as he flings door open. Gandalf is standing on the stoop. He kneels down, and he and Bilbo embrace.

GANDALF (leaning back and studying Bilbo's face intently): "It's good to see you. One hundred and eleven years old, who would believe it! You haven't aged a day."

BILBO (laughing): "Come in, come in! Welcome, welcome!"

Bilbo leads Gandalf into Bag End...cozy and cluttered with souvenirs of Bilbo's travels. Gandalf has to stoop to avoid hitting his head on the low ceiling. Bilbo hangs up Gandalf's hat on a peg.

GANDALF: "And where is young Frodo?"

BILBO (airily): "Oh, sitting under a tree with his nose in a book, I daresay. He's always disappearing lately, don't you know. Crazy about reading, that boy is. A true Baggins, through and through."

GANDALF (amused): "I'm pleased to hear it."

BILBO (rubbing hands together briskly): "Well, what would you like to drink, Gandalf? Tea? Or maybe something stronger... I've a few bottles of the Old Winyards left, 1296...a very good year, almost as old as I am. It was laid down by my father. What say we open one, eh? I'll just trot along to the wine cellar. Be back in a twinkling."

Bilbo disappears as Gandalf looks around... enjoying the familiarity of Bag End...he turns, knocking his head on the light and then walking into the wooden beam. He groans.

BILBO (OS): "Gandalf!"

GANDALF: "I'm quite all right, Bilbo. Just bumped my head."

BILBO (OS) (gasping): "Gandalf!"

Camera follows a frowning Gandalf to the top of the wine cellar stairs, where Bilbo is standing with a bewildered expression on his face.

GANDALF: "What is wrong, Bilbo?"

BILBO: "There are the strangest noises down in the wine cellar. Listen."

Close on: Gandalf and Bilbo as they listen curiously to a series of eerie moans that can dimly be heard, coming from the open door to the wine cellar.

BILBO (determined): "There's some mischief afoot; I'm going down to investigate."

GANDALF (hesitant): "Bilbo, I don't think--"

But it is too late. Bilbo disappears down the stairs. Close on: Gandalf's rueful expression.

GANDALF (muttering): "After all, he has been a bachelor for many years."

Camera follows Gandalf as he descends steep wooden stairs after Bilbo. Sounds of moaning grow louder. At bottom of steps, Bilbo stands stock-still, like one frozen in place. Angle on: Bilbo's horrified face as he stares at source of moaning sounds.

Cut to: pile of clothes on cellar floor. Camera slowly pans upward. We see the back of a pair of sturdy naked Hobbit legs: ankles, calves, thighs. Close on: pale, muscular bare buttocks that are moving in a series of rhythmic thrusts. Buttocks belong to SAMWISE GAMGEE, a young Hobbit gardener who works for Bilbo.

Camera continues to pan up Sam's naked body until a pair of dangling hairy feet and legs draped over Sam's shoulders come into view. Angle on: FRODO BAGGINS, Bilbo's young nephew and heir. We see that Sam has Frodo pinned up against the cellar wall and that he is fucking the living daylights out of Frodo. Close on: Frodo's handsome face. His head is tilted back, his eyes are closed, his cheeks are flushed, and there is sweat trickling down his temples. He is panting as he thrashes his curly black head from side to side against the brick. Frodo and Sam are completely unaware that they are being watched.

FRODO (moaning): "Harder, Sam, harder, please!"

SAM (thrusting harder): "Aye, Mr. Frodo."

FRODO (moaning louder): "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Saaaaaaaaaam!"

Cut to: Bilbo's still horrified face. He opens his mouth to speak, but Gandalf's hand suddenly clamps over his mouth.

GANDALF (hissing in Bilbo's ear): "Come away, Bilbo, we don't want to disturb them."

Angle on: Gandalf as he begins dragging Bilbo back up the stairs.

BILBO (struggling feebly): "Urgh."

FRODO (OS): "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Cut to: Gandalf and Bilbo, looking very disheveled, standing outside wine cellar door once again. Gandalf removes hand from Bilbo's mouth. Sounds of moaning can still be heard coming from the cellar.

BILBO (outraged): "Gandalf! Frodo's in the wine cellar being tupped by my gardener. And all this time I thought he was sitting underneath a tree, reading Elvish poetry!"

GANDALF (amused): "Frodo's not a child any longer, Bilbo."

BILBO (sputtering): "But- but- but I have to put a stop to it."

GANDALF (in supremely reasonable tones): "Nonsense. Whyever should you? Sam's a reliable and hard-working young Hobbit. Frodo could do far worse, you know."

Gandalf sets a hand on Bilbo's shoulder.

GANDALF (cont'd): "I don't understand why you're so upset."

Close on: Bilbo's flabbergasted face.

BILBO (indignantly): " Now, see here, Gandalf, if you think for one moment that I'm going to allow Sam to go on shagging my nephew..."

Angle on: Gandalf, who is frowning.

GANDALF: "Come, my old friend, why won't you trust me as you used? Leave Sam and Frodo to it. They won't come to any harm."

BILBO (sighing): "Oh very well. I suppose you know best."

GANDALF: "I do, when I know anything. Now, let us go into the kitchen and have a cup of tea. We can have the Old Winyards later, with dinner."

Angle on: Gandalf and Bilbo as they start to walk away. Suddenly, Bilbo darts back to the door.

FRODO (OS) (very very loudly): "Oooooooooh Saaaa-"

Close on: Bilbo's relieved expression as he firmly shuts the wine cellar door.

*See original screenplay (parts of which were lifted for this) here**Disapproving Relative, Wall Smut version