A sequel to The Fellowship of the Ring Screenplay (DR, WS Version). Very, ah, irreverent! Reader beware!
SIR IAN MCKELLEN: Hello, this is Ian McKellen. Welcoming you to the cast audio commentary of The Fellowship of The Ring, DR WS edition.
ELIJAH WOOD: Welcome to the DVD.
SEAN ASTIN: Hello.
DOMINIC MONAGHAN: Welcome.
BILLY BOYD: Hi.
SIR IAN: For the next three and a half hours, we will be remembering what it was like to film and contribute to Peter Jackson’s movie, the long-awaited unexpurgated edition.
DOM: Strap yourself in. It's gonna be a long ride, but I tell you what, it's gonna be enjoyable.
BILLY: Especially for Elijah and Sean.
DOM: laughs immoderately
SIR IAN: Indeed.
SEAN: And there's Bilbo.
DOM: Is he drawing? Writing there?
SEAN: "There and Back Again".
DOM: Remember Elijah was taught calligraphy there for a while in New Zealand.
ELIJAH: That's right.
DOM: You really came on leaps and bounds man.
ELIJAH: Thank you man.
DOM: I was really very impressed.
SEAN: You’d be even more impressed if you could see what he does with chocolate syrup.
SIR IAN (clearing throat): Working with Ian Holm for this couple of days whether we were together or not was two of the happiest days of my professional life. I think this is one of Ian Holm’s great film performances you know. It's a very daring performance. It risks being thought a bit melodramatic in that he shows an awful lot on his face when he discovers what is really going on in the wine cellar.
DOM: It's great. He's so outrageous, Ian Holm. I love what he did with Bilbo.
BILLY: Just amazing how quickly he changes. Kinda mood and emotion and stuff.
SEAN: I like what Ian McKellen is doing with his body language, his posture.
DOM: Here they come. [shot of Bilbo and Gandalf at head of stairs] Awesome shot. Doors open. Here come the boys. Now hang on. This is the entrance to end all entrances. Oh my god. Introducing Sean Assssssss-tin.
DOM: Oh, here we go.
DOM: The fucking scene.
ELIJAH: This was something that we really, really fought to get in the film and unfortunately didn't make it.
SEAN: Devastating that it wasn't in the film.
ELIJAH: It's such a Hobbits moment.
SEAN: That was a long nerve-wracking day. Making love to Elijah in front of all those people.
ELIJAH: It was. We did fight for that. Mainly because it establishes the relationship between us, which is awesome, and you also get a sense of the sweeter, happier moments before the journey.
DOM: You seldom see Hobbits behaving as they really should do.
SEAN: The cinematography in this scene is awesome.
SEAN: The effect that they do on Ian Holm where he just starts to go all dark with horror at what he sees.
DOM: Same technique Hitchcock used in Rear Window, isn’t it?
DOM: Close up shot on Elijah’s feet. That would have been maybe two hours in feet instead of just your normal hour and a half.
SEAN: They look great.
BILLY: And touch ups all day long.
ELIJAH: Yep, which was always a pain in the ass. It was often times they would call for close ups at the last minute as well, like late in the day, 'oh, by the way...'. Those poor girls.
BILLY: When Elijah's sweaty feet had got to work pounding on Sean’s back.
SEAN: Yeah, important fact for people listening to the DVD commentary that Elijah has the sweatiest of all Hobbit feet.
ELIJAH: It's true. The glue would come loose by lunchtime generally. Sometimes I had to have my feet reapplied at lunch.
SEAN: It was an amazing thing that our bodies and minds went through, and it wasn't like a traditional acting experience, so I don't think you should feel bad about it.
ELIJAH: giggles I was definitely nervous this day. There's actually a horribly embarrassing back story to the end of this. There's a moment where, that I was supposed to get emotional about making love with Sam, and Pete wanted a tear to come out, and for the love of god I couldn't get a tear, and I was, y'know, it was so near crying and nothing would come out and of course I'm embarrassed because Sean's in front of me kind of being very patient and wonderful and waiting for me. It was terrible. I felt awful.
SEAN: Awww. C’mere…
DOM: Hang on, you two. Not yet. Here we go. Here's the money shot [on Frodo’s flushed panting thrashing face]
ELIJAH: Who's that?
DOM: Who is this shady character?
BILLY: He was in Deep Impact.
DOM (laughing immoderately): Looks like he still is.
SIR IAN: Is it my imagination, or is it getting rather hot in here?
SEAN: This is the first shot we ever filmed on the movie right?
ELIJAH: First day of filming. Yeah, I let out a little tommy squeaker.
SEAN: And that's a true story.
ELIJAH: That's a very true story.
SEAN: Elijah had gas. And let out a great--
ELIJAH: Pressure gas.
SEAN: It was pressure gas?
SEAN: You mean it wouldn't have come out if I hadn't been screwing you?
ELIJAH: Yeah exactly.
SEAN: But you, I didn't even hear it, I was too busy sort of--
DOM and BILLY: Mmmhmm.
ELIJAH: Was that an "mmhmm" in unison?
SEAN: Actually Peter, who would act out all the different parts to try and get us to have a sense of what it was we were supposed to be doing, would do that grunting sound, and I always sort of wondered what the actual sound would sound like when it was finally done because he had such a specific ‘grunt’. And it sounded exactly like it actually. Just, y'know, more.
BILLY: That's great about Pete, isn't it? Once he gets what he wants he'll let you kinda...
ELIJAH: A lot of freedom.
BILLY: A lot of fun to work on that.
SEAN: I’ll say.
BILLY: I think it's great to see hobbits with this sort of depth, isn't it?
ELIJAH: I think that's what sets this apart and why it's not simply a fantasy movie.
BILLY: That's what Pete's always said right from the start, it's all about being real. Everything's got to be real.
ELIJAH: I've had several people ask me, in all sincerity, if Sean’s penis was digitally enhanced.
SEAN (in a long suffering voice): Yeah. I've been asked the same question by far too many people.
ELIJAH: And I keep saying, no, no it’s definitely not.
SEAN: The thing that always gets me is, they're like "did you wear a cock ring?" I'll say "yes, I did." "AHA!"
DOM: No shit. I didn’t know that.
ELIJAH (sounding indignant): Hey, it was only because we had to do so many takes. Otherwise you never need any help at all, except for lube. And I should know.
SEAN (touched): Well, yeah, but I’m fucking you, Elijah. How could I not keep it up?
ELIJAH: Oh Seanie…
DOM (muttering): Oh Christ, here we go again.
BILLY (sounding desperate): So, exactly how many takes did Peter make you do?
ELIJAH: God, I don’t remember. A lot.
SEAN: In fact, the next day we filmed the scenes of Sam carrying Frodo up Mount Doom…
ELIJAH: Because I still wasn’t walking quite right.
SIR IAN: It really is getting quite amazingly hot in here.
ELIJAH: There was some question whether the scene was actually going to be as long as it is in the film, as well. I'm glad they kept it at this length.
DOM: Yeah, it's essential isn't it? You have to show how important that ring is.
SEAN: Did you know they actually used an Elvish design for the cock ring?
ELIJAH: Brilliant. Like they found that traditional British recipe for lavender oil lubricant. Amazing.
SEAN: Y'know, I don't know if they, I'm sure the audience appreciates it, but all of the background in this, the sort of inscriptions and everything and any part of any frame you sort of analyze it, you freeze it and look at it, the level of detail and artistry in the set design, the costumes and props is unbelievable.
ELIJAH: If you were only able to, with something like this, able to magnify the image so that you could actually see close up of those details.
SIR IAN: In fact, I think I’m just going to step outside for a moment, get a glass of cold water… Be right back.
SEAN: God do you remember when they used this shot of Ian closing the cellar door in every trailer? Before they decided to cut the scene from the theatrical and EE releases?
ELIJAH: Yeah. I got kinda sick of it myself.
SEAN: I was in a movie theatre and it was later in the sort of half-life of that trailer and everybody was saying the line along with you out loud. “Oooooooooh Saaaa-"
SEAN: Yes they were.
ELIJAH: Oh my god.
SEAN: It was awesome. You’re awesome. C’mere.
Sounds of kissing and heavy breathing
DOM and BILLY: Hey!
ELIJAH (panting): Well, I see Frodo and Sam’s first scene is over now, so Sean and I will take a short break and rejoin you later, when we get to the rope scene…
SEAN (pedantic even while breathing hard): I guess that's one thing that people who watch the DVD will have an advantage over people who don't watch the DVD and listen to the commentary, scenes like that. And I guess if you read the fanfiction you know. The rope, for example, becomes a critical tool in helping Sam and Frodo--
ELIJAH: Would you please shut up and come with me? Leave Dom and Billy to carry on. It’s their turn next.
DOM: Buckleberry Ferry, Bills!
BILLY: Mm, oh aye. Splinters in my arse, Dommie, but it was totally worth it…
***Much of the dialog for this commentary was lifted directly from the LOTR:FOTR Cast Commentary. My sincerest thanks (and apologies) to the person who transcribed it!! And why yes, I am going straight to hell for this, now that you mention it...