A Slothful Romance by Lbilover

Complete and utter batshit (or should I say 'slothshit') crazy crack fic, based on an interesting factoid about sloth sex. Originally written for the  2013 OTP Summer Dreams Month at Tol Eressea.


It seemed as if they'd been moving towards this moment their entire lives. And as a matter of fact, they had. Slowly. Very, very slowly. Finding the perfect Cecropia tree took time, after all, when each foot placement required a good hour or more of contemplation and one had to drag oneself on one's belly across the forest floor.

By luck, or fate, they arrived at the base of the tree at precisely the same moment and stared at each other. Even staring was a slow affair. But it didn't do to be hasty, not when they might be hanging from adjacent branches for years. So they studied each other while day turned to night and back again.

"Oh, hello," Seansloth said when he'd finished scrutinizing the last hair at the tip of his companion's stubby tail. "I'm Seansloth."

"Oh, hello," said the other sloth. "I'm Slothlijah."

"After you," Seansloth politely invited, pointing his three-toed front foot at the tree trunk.

"No, after you," responded Slothlijah with equal politeness, pointing his two-toed front foot at the tree trunk.

This back and forth politeness marathon went on for quite some time, and could have lasted indefinitely if Seansloth hadn't started to worry that Slothlijah would fall victim to a roaming jaguar or a hungry harpy eagle.

So he started to climb, hugging the tree trunk and gripping it with his toes as he inched his way upward. He rotated his head 180 degrees several times to check on the progress of his companion who, while a fine figure of a sloth indeed, had only two toes on his front feet. It made Seansloth rather anxious in a way he couldn't define. What if Slothlijah were to fall, having only two toes instead of three? He was relieved when he at length reached the tree's canopy and saw that Slothlijah was close behind him.

The Cecropia tree was abundant with leaves and had branches ideally shaped for hanging upside down. Seansloth knew he could be happy here for many years to come. He hoped Slothlijah would feel the same. He'd never had a need for companionship before, not even when the females were ready to breed and screaming for his attention, but there was an undeniable difference in his two-toed companion.

"O!" exclaimed Slothlijah, coming level with Seansloth. "What a beautiful tree!"

"Isn't it?"

They paused to admire it for several hours, but occasionally their eyes strayed in another direction to admire, too.

"Are you hungry?" Seansloth hooked the tip of a claw into a particularly large and succulent green leaf and held it out to Slothlijah.

"Thank you." Slothlijah took it in his mouth, munched it a few times and then swallowed. "That was most excellent. Would you like to try one?" He offered Seansloth a leaf.

They fed each other juicy Cecropia leaves until they were full, and then Slothlijah yawned widely. He had a very cute yawn, Seansloth noted. "I'm ready for a nap," he said, and added shyly, "I wouldn't mind if you hung beside me."

"I'd like that," replied Seansloth, his heart beating faster.

By early the next day, they'd settled on the best branch from which to hang, and in a few more hours were dangling side by side, high above the forest floor.

"Good night," said Seansloth.

"Good night," said Slothlijah, and held out his two toes.

Seansloth delicately hooked his three toes around them and they drifted off to sleep.


Life in the Cecropia tree was idyllic. Seansloth and Slothlijah slept side by side for fifteen hours every day, fed each other the choicest leaves every night, counted each other's parasites while they groomed, and once a week descended together to the tree's base to poop. Seansloth had never been so happy. The solitary sloth life, he discovered, was highly overrated. It was so much better with two.

But gradually he sensed that something was missing from his idyllic life. It was similar to the queer urge that had had him falling into the river to swim downstream in search of a new home, but different somehow.

But often while Slothlijah slept, Seansloth remained awake, admiring his companion's cute snout, his creamy fur, his unusually full mane and deep black mask. The sight roused confusing emotions inside him, and he wondered what they meant. He considered raising the topic with Slothlijah, only he didn't want to rush into anything.

Then one day, an unmistakable shriek rent the quiet of the forest. It was the mating cry of a female sloth. Sudden apprehension filled Seansloth. Would Slothlijah respond to the cry and leave? For himself, he had never understood the attraction or the need for so much haste, and had watched with pity as the other sloths almost fell over themselves in their hurry to reach the female's tree.

"Did you hear that?" asked Slothlijah sleepily, rousing from his nap.

"Yes," replied Seansloth.

"It makes me feel queer inside. Kind of shivery, if you know what I mean."

Seansloth did know. It was how he felt when he watched Slothlijah as he slept. He was beginning to suspect what those feelings meant. "Are you leaving?" he asked fearfully.

"Oh no," replied Slothlijah. "I would never leave you." He readjusted his grasp on the branch, and half an hour later was pressed close up against Seansloth. "Isn't this nice?" he said.

"Very," said Seansloth fervently. "Slothlijah, would you like to-?"

"Oh yes," Slothlijah said with equal fervor, and with completely unslothful haste wrapped himself around Seansloth like he was the trunk of their Cecropia tree.

Everything happened very fast then. In fact, it was all over in precisely five seconds and then they were hanging side by side again, holding toes. They were absolutely the best five seconds of Seansloth's life, even if they had raced by with dizzying speed. He understood now why the females' cries left him cold. None of them compared to Slothlijah.

"I love you, Slothlijah," he said. "I want to hang next to you like this for the rest of our lives."

"Oh Seansloth," said Slothlijah happily, holding his toes tighter, "I love you, too, and that's what I want more than anything."

As they hung there, swinging gently and basking in the afterglow, Seansloth wondered why, when everything else in his life moved so slowly, the sex happened so fast. It didn't seem fair. It would have been nice to draw it out, maybe over a year or two or three.

But it suddenly occurred to him that there was another way to look at it. The shorter it lasted, the more often they could have it, right?

With a happy sloth-sigh, Seansloth snuggled closer to Slothlijah.


It seemed as if they'd been moving towards this moment their entire lives. And as a matter of fact, they had. Sometimes slowly, very slowly - but sometimes very, very fast.

The End

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